Any elves you or your parents have around the house for the holidays, though festive, should be looked upon with a wary eye.

Fact: elves are just as dangerous as garden gnomes.

Sure, they look cute and brighten up the scenery, but those creepy little dudes are evil.

Do you think your ‘Elf on the Shelf’ is moved everyday by one of your parents? No, that f**ker moves of his own free will!

My family has one such ‘Elf,’ he has been named Opie. He delights in making fools of us all.

One day he ‘mysteriously’ lost his hat. And who spent days looking for that little scrap of red fabric? Me, that’s who; and when did we find it? Months later, behind a cabinet that wasn’t even in the same room in which he was ‘placed.’

Harmless occurrence or diabolical plot, that elf had us searching for that hat like it actually mattered.

Meanwhile, he’s probably living it up during the night. He has the run of the house, probably raids the liquor cabinet and eats all the good cookies.

And who’s going to stop him, the dog?

The next day, of course, he’s in a new spot because he was too drunk to remember where he was in the first place.

Either that or it is just another facet of him toying with us, playing up the idea that he goes to Santa – I have a beef with that assh*le, too – each night to report if the children have been naughty or nice.

I call shenanigans.

What he’s really doing is getting comfortable, gaining the confidence the gnomes have cultivated over years, and soon, you’ll find yourself bending to his will.

Do you really want some strange little ‘doll’ keeping tabs on you?

Do the sane thing: burn that evil elf and be done with it.