Watch workout tapes

Just watch them; do not actually participate.

Go to the gym

Again, go to watch, but not to take part in the workouts. It is known that vicarious observation is a great form of learning. So, if your muscles watch other people’s muscles exercising, maybe yours will become beach-ready.

See-food diet

There is a new diet craze that I personally love. This is called the “see-food diet” because when you see food, you eat it. Yum.

Reverse psychology

Many people use diets to lower their calorie intake. Perhaps if you carb-up your diet, your body will be tricked into absorbing less carbs. Be sure to fill your new diet with Twinkies, Skittles, donuts, lard, noodles, soda, cheesecakes and ramen. For best results, wrap everything in bacon.

Frowning

Everyone knows that it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. So, for those who are willing to be more physically rigorous, try excessive amounts of frowning. Really work those muscles.