So you’ve spent the last few months trying to become your roommate’s best friend. You’ve searched for something—anything—you have in common with him or her, but so far nothing has come to light. It seems like everyone else on your floor has created a lasting friendship with his or her roommate, but you still just see yours as “the person who takes up all the space on the other side of the room.” It’s too late in the semester to make friends now, so you may as well have some fun with it. And so, I present to you the top five ways to not bond with your roommate.

1. Buy a futon

Your room is tiny. You barely have room for all your overpriced textbooks to live in harmony with two dressers, two desks, two beds and two chairs. So buy a futon and put it in the middle of the room, claiming, “It can be for both of us to use,” and then keep your dirty laundry and homework piled on it all the time. That section of the room is now yours.

2. Invite your parents over

The greatest thing about college parents is that they tend to give you free food whenever they come, so invite them over often. But the worst thing about college parents is that they’ll want to ask you about school, and you don’t want to tell them how that’s really going, do you? So make sure to leave them alone in your room with your roommate a lot while you go on mysterious errands. Tell your parents beforehand that your roommate is very creepy and possibly a demon-worshipper who wishes to sacrifice you.

3. “Decorate” for each holiday

There’s Thanksgiving on the 28th and Presidents’ Day on the 29th, not to mention Square Dance Day on the 29th as well. Remind your roommate that all these holidays are best celebrated with an abundance of streamers draped across his or her bed, and ask him or her not to pay any mind to the turkey-shaped glitter confetti that you accidentally spilled all over his or her underwear drawer.

4. Become an “artist”

Start drawing your roommate as he or she studies. When your roommate moves, tell him or her that he or she must go back to the original position, or the drawing will be ruined. When your roommate refuses, lament that it’s so hard to make it as an artist in Southeastern Wisconsin. Cry until he or she resumes the original position, and then finish the drawing down to the last detail and insist that your roommate displays the “masterpiece” on your dorm room door.

5. Be generally obnoxious

Respond to all of your roommate’s remarks with “Yes, Master,” or “No, Master.” Consistently leave your dirty dishes on his or her desk. Insist that you want to air-dry your clothes and leave the wet articles of clothing laid out on the floor for days at a time. Tell your roommate that you can’t concentrate on your homework without bouncing on your squeaky bed.