What are you wearing? Another black T-shirt, jeans, and Ugg boots? Leggings as pants? Clogs? OK, stop, you’re hurting me. It’s time for a fashion intervention.
You see, clothes should be more than things you just put on in the dark. They are your best shot at leaving a lasting impression. You can’t just dress like everyone else—you need to find a way to look unique all the time. It might seem hard at first, and you might get some funny looks, but, darling, that’s how fashion works.
Copy runway looks exactly – Sure, people always say to just use them for inspiration, but why? The designer obviously knows a lot more than you. Wild hair, crazy eye makeup, and heel-less platform sparkle boots are a perfect statement look. And, once you invest the thousands of dollars needed to get each piece, dressing will feel like you’re constantly in the coolest costume party in the world, but no one else got the memo.
Wear the same thing every day – If perfectly copying runway looks is a little out of your budget, well, I pity you. But, nevertheless, this is a cheaper idea. Like Bill Cunningham and every cartoon character ever known, wearing one signature outfit all the time is perfect for making people remember you, and will keep people talking about your outfit, even if it is just to speculate why they’ve never seen you in anything but a blazer and fish tie.
Dress around themes – You can either choose themes all the time, or stick to one and arrange your whole wardrobe around it. You could go with a subculture like goth, hipster, or middle-aged bowling enthusiast. You could go with something crazy, like pirate, resplendent in your eyepatch and puffy shirt. You could also just pick a decade and go with it. The eighties are having a moment, as are the sixties. So obviously those are out. Might I recommend the early aughts? Dark lipstick and chokers are due for a comeback.
Mix patterns – This is such a hot trend right now, especially paired with the “look of now,” layering. Most people say that in order to do this, go with two patterns in the same color in different sizes. Most people are wrong. Adding colors will make your look pop so much more. Pair rainbow stripes with pink polka dots. Mix the grandma snowflake sweater with a red plaid skirt, and add a hounds-tooth bow tie. Go crazy (which is, after all, the opposite of forgettable).
Accessorize – You cannot, and will never, be wearing too many accessories. But you can still try. Buy the strangest jewelry you can and wear all of it at once. For special occasions, wear a giant fascinator hat. Sequins and glitter are your best friends. Bedazzle everything. Make sure nothing matches. For extra effect, tape whatever is on your desk to your bag and call it a day.
If all else fails, just wear sunglasses at all times. Everyone will speculate whether or not you’re covering up a drug problem, which will make you even more like Kate Moss.