During the nearly two years I’ve been a non-traditional student at Lakeland, I’ve come to appreciate the assistance my traditional classmates continually provide—things like showing me how to use Facebook and Twitter, or how to set up a blog (http://alanfairchild.wordpress.com – hint, hint). They’ve even shown me how to manage my time just like a real college student.

So I recently began considering what I might do in return, and found that coming up with such an idea is no easy task.

“How about teaching the Mirror staff how to typeset hot lead?” I thought. “Or keep their typewriters in tip-top shape?” I could do those things—once I found someplace to buy new ribbons, and once I found a typewriter in the Mirror office. (Did you know that most people don’t use typewriters anymore? Go figure.)

I could always set up refresher sessions on the Dewey Decimal System. Well, I could do that if I could remember it myself.

Hard as I tried, I couldn’t find anything to contribute that was both useful and current. I finally gave up and sat down in front of the tube (yes, a CRT) to watch “Leave it to Beaver” on TV Land. Suddenly, during the commercial break—shazam!—there it was . . .

The Scooter Store!

You’ve seen their products: Power chairs, mobility scooters, Hoverounds . . . Rascals! They provide so many ways to get around campus that are so much fun. And they’re all so useful. Think of the possibilities if you had your own.

They have baskets. Never strap on another bag of books.

All-terrain versions are surely available. No more need to follow Lakeland’s crazy system of sidewalks all over creation.

ATV tracks can handle stairs, too. The third floor of Old Main would be a snap, both up and down.

Pedestrians? No sweat. You’ll outweigh them in your Zip’r Roo.

New sporting events, like drag races from the student center to the rotunda at Laun. And you could text all your friends to come, between classes and even while you’re racing! Right there in front of the bookstore.

Trouble getting through the maze of tables to the Daily Grind? How about a battering ram — the kind that SWAT teams use to knock down the doors of crack houses.

A new parking lot just for the scooters could be built across County “M” where the cornfield is now. The school wouldn’t even need to build an entrance to it, just a ramp aimed towards the new bridge.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting excited about this. The more I think about it, the more I can picture a student body on wheels. I can actually see it in my head . . .

Oh, never mind.